Life Lessons
by Tamah
Summary: Knowledge talks, wisdom listens, and insanity laughs. Series of humorous short stories involving everything from Mary-Sues to Akatsuki cats.
1. Kittens

**Tamah: This idea came out of nowhere, really.**

**Introduction:**

**This is a collection of parody stories starring one of my original role play characters, a missing ninja named Nariko. Each chapter explores a popular/cliche idea, like "OMG THE AKATSUKI TURNED INTO CATS!1" (God I hate that so much.) Since I really have no updating schedule for anything at all, (I should probably work on that) this is no exception.**

**Each chapter has a moral. Because everything has a moral. Or a life lesson. (geddit? hur.)**

**So yeah.**

**Enjoy.**

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Lesson One: Kittens

Her name was Seru Nariko. She had long (used to be pure white, but thanks to malnutrition, it was now yellowish) white hair tied up in a bun, and blue eyes that used to sparkle with life. She was a rouge ninja from the Land of Lightning, a wandering mercenary for hire. She left her home to avoid the responsibility of being the heir to her clan. She thought leaving home and becoming a wanderer would be fun when she was fifteen.

Over four hellish years, she realized that it wasn't. It was the stupidest decision ever.

So. She was walking through some no-name village, looking for someone who needed someone else dead. She really didn't care who she had to kill, people had her kill their own children for money. Such was the fantastic life of an S-ranked mercenary. Fun times! Glamorous glitz!

She walked past an alley, bemoaning her current state of starvation when she heard a meowing sound. She stopped, figuring that cat wasn't a bad menu option. She liked cats as pets and all, but still. She had eaten far worse.

A whole damn flock of cats stared up at her. She inwardly grinned. Fuck yeah, feast tonight, baby! She looked for something to stuff them all in, finding a couple sheets on someone's laundry line. She tied them all together, and managed to heard them all into the makeshift bag. She noticed that most of the cats were odd colors. Like blue. What kind of cats were blue?

Hell, she just might sell them. Them damn rich people would pay anything for a rarity, and things didn't get much rarer than a blue cat. A blue fucking cat, seriously. Bright blue, like the sky. Or the ocean.

How many of those have you seen? And she had two! Maybe she could breed them. . . . She prayed that they were opposite genders, and not fixed or anything.

Who would let a bright blue cat wander the streets anyway? Well, other people's stupidity just paid off big time.

She snuck the bag of cats out of the city, and made her way to a safe distance. She let the cats out of the bag (Oh geeze,) and they weren't smart enough to run off, or anything.

Most of the cats were pretty screwy looking, she noted. One was exactly half black and half white, right down the middle. One was orange with purple eyes. Two were blue. One was silver, also with purple eyes, and another was calico with green-and-black eyes. Yet another one was black with red eyes, and another was. . . blonde? There was a bright red cat. . . Okay. There was a shitload of fucked up looking cats. She wondered if she was dreaming, under a genjutsu. . . . or dead.

"Well, time to-" she was interrupted by a flash of bright light and suddenly, instead of fucked up looking cats, fucked up looking people stood instead.

"Oh damn. Was not expecting that," she said, sighing. "Now what am I going to do?" She was hungry, dammit.

One of the people, a blonde woman, spoke up. "What were you going to do with us anyway, hn?" Oh wait, a man. Whoops.

"Well, at first, I was gonna eat you, then I noticed you looked pretty fucking strange for cats," she said honestly. "Then I was going to breed you and sell you to some rich dumbasses."

"Eat us? **That's kind of ironic.**" A. . . _Giant fucking flytrap_ told her in two totally different voices.

"So, yeah. Imma just leave now," Nariko said, slowly walking backwards. They didn't go after her, so when she got far enough away, she ran like hell.

And with that, Nariko learned that there are no blue cats, just people henged to look like it.

Or maybe they were simply hallucinations. Probably.


	2. Strange Character

**Tamah: I felt like writing more. This one is ridiculously short. I would type out everything the 'strange character' says with chat speak, but. . . meh. Don't feel like frying my brain**. **Or yours. **

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Story Two: Strange Character

Nariko was walking along a road, minding her own business, when suddenly a woman came running up to her.

The woman looked positively ridiculous: She had crimson red and black hair that went down to her knees, she had a white eye and a black eye, and she was wearing some outfit (yes, that was the right word. Outfit.) that barely covered any skin, and she looked to be about twelve.

"Nariko-chan!" the girl screeched, hugging her tightly.

Nariko tried to wrench herself out of the woman's grasp, but found it near impossible. "Do I know you?" she asked, wriggling frantically.

"Of course you do, Nariko-chan! I'm your best friend, Akane Tsuko Yami Rainbows Susan!" The woman let Nariko go.

"I'm afraid I don't know you, Akane-san," she said, brushing herself off, "I think you have me mistaken for someone else."

"No! Of course I don't! You're my BFF in the real world!"

Nariko looked around. "But, ah, this is. . . ." Nariko said, trailing off.

"C'mon Nariko, let's go to the Leaf village and glomp Sasuke-kun!"

"What? That's on the other side-" The odd girl grabbed Nariko's wrist and suddenly they were in Konoha.

"Are you fucking crazy?" Nariko snapped, "I'm going to fucking die here!" Missing nins weren't really welcome with open arms in Konoha, last time she checked.

The girl regarded her with an odd stare. "You'll be fine, Nariko-chan. We're everyone's friends here!"

She doubted it, but the girl was not letting go. They stopped at a stand that was selling ramen, and her stomach growled loudly. She hadn't eaten in a few days.

"I'm secretly the princess of Yukigakure," whatever her name was said quietly, "But shhh, that's a secret."

"Isn't the land of snow something else now, like the land of spring or something?" Nariko asked, and her question was ignored.

"I'll buy you all the ramen you could ever eat, Nariko-chan!" The girl pulled out a gigantic bag filled with ryo.

And with that, Nariko learned that she didn't give a shit about how fucked up people were.


	3. Alternate Universes and You

**Tamah: Felt like writing this one, too. **

**Key:**

_Ninja's thoughts._

**Alternate's thoughts.**

**_Both's thoughts._**

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Story Three: Alternate Universes and You

Nariko was sound asleep, once again minding her own business. She had just finished a hit, and so, for once she was asleep in a warm bed, and her stomach was filled with food.

She woke up in a totally different place. It was a basic little room, with a bed, a curtained window, and a nightstand. She looked and felt around for any traps or other, potentially hostile ninjas.

There wasn't anyone around, but there were civilian clothes in her size in the closet. She changed into a suit, almost automatically. She carefully tiptoed out of the room and into a hallway. She found the front door, but no one else.

She walked out of the building and onto the street. It appeared to be an apartment of some sort. There were strange brightly colored things- **cars,** her brain filled in. **Cars. **_Oh yeah, of course._

**I must've had a really weird dream, because for a second there, I thought I was a ninja. **

_But, wait. I am a ninja. That wasn't a dream,_ the other part of her mind reminded her.

So, what in the hell was going on? One side argued that she had gone insane so she thought she was a ninja, and the other side was screaming _'genjutsu!'_

She walked to her job, like she supposedly did every morning. Apparently she was a 'manager of relations' for the Konoha Firm. _Konoha was a city,_ her mind thought, _not a business. _

She entered the building, where she was greeted by a woman with hot pink hair. "Hello, Nariko-chan!" the woman said brightly. **Sakura,** her mind supplied. **The leader's adopted daughter. **

"Morning, Sakura, uh, -chan." Nariko said.

"Tsunade-" **The leader,** "wants to see you. She's in a good mood, I promise."

She sighed in relief. "Thanks, Sakura-chan. Oh! How's Sauske-san?" **(her long-time boyfriend.)**

Sakura beamed. "We're going on a cruise on Friday! I can't wait."

Nariko felt herself smile back. "Hope you two have fun. I'd better go up to Tsunade-sama, though. See ya, Sakura!"

She walked over to a set of elevators, and stepped inside the first one that opened. She waved at a blonde man **(Naruto, a man who was aiming for the CEO spot.)** She was in the elevator with a man in a green? suit and a bowl cut, **(Rock Lee, head of advertising)** and a man wearing a surgical mask and reading what appeared to be a pornographic novel **(Kakashi, one of the vice presidents.) **

Lee turned to her with a smile. "Nariko-chan!" he pronounced gleefully, and the masked man looked up at them, waiting for something to happen with a smile in his eyes. "I am glad I have finally been able to speak with you! Will you go out on a date with me next Saturday?" She stood there, at a loss for what to say, before the other half kicked in. "Lee-sama, I'm really sorry, but I just can't be in a relationship right now, after Neji-" **(her apparent ex-boyfriend who she uses as an excuse to keep Lee's constant affections away)**

"Ah, I understand, Nariko-chan. I hope you regain your youthfulness soon!" He reached his floor and left the elevator. It was just her and Kakashi.

He chuckled. "You're still using Neji as an excuse, Nariko?"

"Uh. . ." she said, "Who says it's an excuse?" Nariko said quickly.

He just laughed and went back to reading his book.

They both got off at the top floor, and Nariko let her feet take her to the CEO/president's office, the masked man was going along with her.

"Nariko Seru, Kakashi Hatake. Sit down, please." The leader was a older, middle-aged woman with blonde hair. _That's the Hokage. I knew that name sounded familiar. Also, why was my familiar name first?  
_

They nodded and sat in the only two chairs. They cast a glance at each other before turning to the leader.

"The Akatsuki Firm-"**(Konoha Firm's most dangerous rival) **"-keeps trying to sabotage our business," she began, "And I'm at a loss for what to do."

_**So why call the manager of human resources?**_ Both halves of her mind asked simultaneously. **One of the vice presidents, I understand, but me?**

"Ms. Seru, I know it's not in your job description, but for a reason that I cannot disclose, the president of the firm would like for you to have a meeting with him at eight. You know where their headquarters are, correct?"

She nodded, so apparently she did. "It's hard to miss," she joked.

The other two agreed. "So, try and get all the information you possibly can. They're playing dirty, so we might as well play along," Tsunade said. _I like this woman,_ the ninja half thought.

She smiled, and bowed. "It is at eight this morning, correct?"

She nodded. "Good luck, Miss Seru."

Nariko left the office, and headed back to the elevator. She made her way out if the Konoha Firm and to the Akatsuki Firm's building in something the other side called a **'taxi.'**

She made it to the building at seven-ten. The secretary, a blue-haired woman, ushered her into the leader's office. It was very dark, and she couldn't make out anyone. She belatedly realized her kekkei genkai wasn't working, so she couldn't feel around for anyone, either. She did, however, sense chakra in the back of the room. **I'm not sensing anything, I'm just crazy! **_No, dammit, I'm a ninja!_

"You are Seru Nariko, correct?"

She nodded. "Yes." **Why is my last name first?**

"You know," the masculine voice said suddenly.

"What?" she asked, very much confused, "I know what?" _The weather? _**The Konoha firm's plans?**

"You are Seru Nariko, missing nin from the land of lightning. But you are also Nariko Seru, head of human resources at the Konoha Firm," the voice said.

**_Oh, so I'm not crazy?_ **"Um, yeah. Since this morning. So, is it safe to ask what in the hell's going on?"

"We have no idea."

"We? There's more than one of you?" She blurted out. _Uh, duh, the other dude behind him._

"One of my associates is also aware of his true identity."

"I would ask who you two are, but I think I can figure one of you out." The leader of the real Akatsuki was probably the one speaking. The other, well, she had no idea.

"My name is Pain, and my associate is-"

"Tobi! Tobi is a ninja!" A loud, childish voice piped up.

"So, what do you propose we do?" she asked, "I would much rather be a ninja."

"Tobi would, too. Here he is bored," the childish one whined.

"And it would be quite difficult to accomplish my objective here."

Suddenly the world around them began to warp, from what she could tell in the dim light. She felt the chair underneath her shift to a rock, and she saw the light move so it shone behind her. They were now in a cave.

"Well, it seems that we did not have to do anything. I doubt the others will remember what went on." Pain told her.

"I hope not," Nariko said, standing up, "Or else the Hokage knows what I look like. Can't have that." The other presence in her mind had thankfully faded.

"Oh, before you leave. Thank you for releasing us from the cat jutsu."

_What? That wasn't a hallucination?_

And with that, Nariko learned that sometimes, reality is just fucked up.


End file.
